How's it going?
It's been so long since I made the post about starting a new (almost a year). I nearly forgotten about this place but I realized this was my safe place when I was feeling down. My writing maybe shit, I maybe a bitch but I do care about others and I do have feelings. I feel after what went through my mind last year I became more of a bitch because that was how I felt/feel everyone thinks about me. I feel i'm selfish at times but I don't want to be, I wish I could put people ahead of me (which I do sometimes) but I feel like I don't do it as much as I should. I have this friend let's call her Callie, and she is an amazing person and I don't deserve her or our other friend (lets call her Sammy) because they are such caring people who help me but after last year I feel I can't give back to them. They deserve someone better than me, I don't deserve anyone, I deserve o be on my own forever just drifting.
My second reason for writing today is about how anxious I feel to move onto the future, I'm scared of everything that will happen and I don't know what to do. I have this thing where I have to be on time I get anxious if i'm late or if I'm early and my family make fun of that and it's just like could you not, just please maybe once not make fun of a situation because it just makes me more anxious but it also makes me angry. It's funny isn't it when I get anxious I also get angry and I struggle to control it and instead of seeking help I keep it locked inside, take now for and example I have been having stomach cramps since last Friday the day after I finished my Period and I have been having them at random times throughout the day so I told my mum and she just does nothing but I think it's my own fault from when I was a kid so I could stay out of school so my parents don't trust me anymore when I complain of being ill or hurting but I can understand. However this has made me keep to myself in my home and try to sort through things on my own or I get really awkward and anxious when talking about it. I have to leave school early for an orthodontist appointment next week and I hate those because I get really anxious
when it's the time to leave and I hate having to speak to my teachers. Sometimes it feels like help is there I just cant reach it because I just go back into my shell
Thank you to anyone who has bothered to read this,
I Love You xx
Cherry Blossom Over and Out
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